A reader sent this to us – an excerpt from an online discussion on Marriage – it was a long discussion but due to space we can only publish this much. ARE THE COMMENTS BELOW TRUE? DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE? LET US HEAR YOUR COMMENTS.
I don’t think that the African American men are doing badly in the marriage sector.
When confronted with issues like this, I like to think beyond the present day situation and look back at our fore fathers. The Blackman and blackwoman are Africans. The fact that they have been in America for so many years does not change that hereditary factor.
Why don’t we understand that the African man today, is just like the African American man today, when it comes to dealing with their women. So, sub-conciously, the black man wants that African world in America, but it is not available. So, they rebel in their own way.
The reason there is such a low divorce rate today in AFRICA THAN IN AMERICA can be equated with the following:
1. Family ties. The African man lives for his people – family and friends, not just for himself.
2. Due to the extended family system, your friends and family can always come in and chastise any of the married couples about their bad behavior. And they will listen.
3. Because almost everybody knows your wife or husband, there is that lowered tendency to go out and cheat.
4. The woman learned to understand that leaving your man because he cheated on you is a waste of time, because the next one will cheat on you, anyway. So, they stay, and with the help of the family and friend, that issue is resolved.
5. The African woman realizes that if she treats her man right, he can always have that fling, but he will surely comeback home.
6. The chances of a woman with a baby getting married to a man without a baby is very low in the African community. As a result, the woman is compelled to stay and make it work.
7. The African man realizes that this can happen to their sisters also, so morally, they stay in their own relationships and make it work.
8. Very few African women try to control their household or their man, no matter how much money they make above his. And those who have succeeded in getting a divorce due to the fact that they are making more money that their husband find it difficult to re-marry, since the people see her as bossy.
9. Most of the African women are circumcised. As a result, their sex drive are not as hot as their male counterpart. But today, that is changing because most of the women are no longer being circumcised, and the difference is visible by the sexual drives of the current generation of African women.
10. And most importantly, because some African societies still support polygamy, the women are not quick to leave a man when he looks at other women, as long as he doesn’t bring her home.
11. The women cheat less than their men. The African man is forced by the family and friends to leave the woman for cheating, but are quick to force the woman to stay even when her husband cheats. Double standard. But that’s the truth.
BUT THIS IS AMERICA, AND THIS WILL SOUND LIKE FAIRY TELL TO YOU. BUT IT IS THE PLAIN TRUTH.
Note that the AFRICANS who moved to the US within the last 10 to 30 years do have the same divorce rate as the African Americans… It is like a fairy tale to tell an American that a man is supposed to date several women, all at once. Americans do not believe in allowing their men to have multiple women. The African American men are struggling to suppress their natural desire to sleep with several women, and they are trying to deal with what the society has considered a social norm – one man one wife. So, under the circumstances, they are doing well, to maintain a divorce rate; which although seems high, could have been worse, being that they have the AFRICAN BLOOD IN THEM…
Filed under: African Events | Tagged: African American, divorce, Egyptian, Ghanain, husband, Ivorien, Kenyan, marriage, marriage sex, Nigerian, polyandry, Polygamy, South African, wife |
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This only takes into account divorces that come about due to cheating, there are many other reasons other than infidelity for divorce. I think the reason divorce rate is low in Africa compared to America is that African women have less rights in Africa. The will also put up with a lot more vs. an American women. For example, verbal abuse and possibly physical abuse which most intelligent and confident Americans wouldn’t put up with however it appears that African women is expected to put up with anything that their husband throws their way.
There is less a divorce rate in Africa because African women are encouraged to submit to their man which is the key to a healthy relationship or marriage. There can’t be 2 bosses in a business and there can’t be 2 bosses in a family just a chain of command. African women are also encouraged to treat their husband with respect. However, American women are encouraged to undermine their husbands and cut their testicles off. Most relationships the woman is the dominant partner and often takes controll by withholding sex until she gets her way. And this is unhealthy and unnatural in relationships because a woman doesn’t respect a man she can controll. However this is the norm for america. Despite what many femenists will tell you, women don’t want to be in charge, they want the man to take the lead. And this is the way marriages in Africa are. Thats why they have generally more healthy relationships that don’t end in divorce.
frankly, you have to be a guy to say something like that. you obviously don;t car enough of women or believe them to be your equal and I am so sorry you feel that way. Women, if they decide to submit in any way to their husband, are FULLY aware of when they are submitting. I am African, and I know women are often being made to pick up a lot of the scraps that the men leave behind, and hearing a comment like this really makes me disgusted because not only do you think women should not be further recognised, but they want to be cheated on and held on double standards and in some crazy chauvinistic way, they enjoy it. And really, one can have a low divorce rate while being divorced in spirit because that is what a lot of African men do, and I am really sorry for women who are often cut off their confidence in power of submission. There is a HUGE difference between being in a marriage, and being in a great marriage- a real one.
@Ifunaya, that is not the point he/she is making. You can claim you are African but from your reply above I assume you were not brought up in Africa or at least not in the part whose name you bare.
I am an African lady and it is our culture for women to respect their men. If you are well brought up, you will know other tactics you will use to keep your man’s love, respect and appreciation for you. But as you said you believe you are equal to a man, the question is what is your yardstick for measuring equality. You can equal to a man in intelligence, education, finances, but you are not in strength. When it comes down to decisions, you can make wise suggestions and he will consider it but if you start insisting on having your way, then you are not being a good wife/ support. The problem with American women, if that they took the addage “What a man can do, a woman can also do”, literally. Then why do you expect him to provide for you and complain when he doesn’t, or expect him to “stand up and be a man”, since you are both equal. African marriages have low divorce rates because they have moms that teach them that marriage is about building a family with values and not marrying into money, or to show off. And African men take pride in protecting their wives. If you know he loves being the boss, why not let him be? Maybe if he makes a few mistakes, he will seek your advice next time.
I like that well spoken. I am a American woman who can submit to my husband as the word requires. All American woman are not bossy an controlling even though they hold the own. I take offense to his comments an jesters. A relationship is what you made out of it an makes it bad for American women because of people like that negative views. Yes there is a mate for every woman. Only way something does not work if it’s not the will of God for your life. I feel that is the only way it will not work taking something that was not yours in the first place.
Thank you for your comment. I am married to an African man and he wants me to act and do the things African women do. It is a difficult journey.
of course the rate of divorce in Africa is low bt the current movement to women empowerment shall never keep family stability unless women continue to bow for their men.
I’m very shocked by this article. It lacks objectivity and common sense. There are so many reasons why a couple decides to divorce… In my opinion the main reason why there are less cases of “official” divorce in Africa compared to the US is not so much that african marriages would be more stable and healthier that american ones. I think it’s a society norm’issue. For the american society it is absolutely normal to ask for divorce on ground of “not being in love anymore” or ” have fallen in love with someone else”. This is not the case in Africa.( Also administrative and legally wise the process of getting a divorce is much easier in western countries than it is in most african countries).
The Western society is very individualistic and the happiness of one has priority over family and community values. This does apply for both men and women. In Africa people care more about their image in the community and leaving your family for what ever the reason is still considered as a disgrace. So men ande women suffer, but stay in their marriage. Now concerning the role of the women in marriage. The african or black women does not differ much from the white woman. One can compare the position of some african women with this of white women a hunderd years ago, when the wife was dependent from her husband for financial resources and was not economically independent. Women were back then less likely to leave their men. (This does ofcourse not apply to all the white women back then, nether for all the african women now) likewise the american women today are as independent as the white ones. I don’t think there is a considerable difference between the rate of divorce in white marriages vs black ones. I would like to conclude by saying that the author of this article has presented a quite limited version of the story. He presents the african woman as being the perfect example of how a wife should behave ie submissive, obedient and not complain about the (eventual) promiscuous and insulting behavior of her husband. So, dear american women, if your marriage is failing you can only blame yourself…the american man is protracted as a victim of his new environment and the new society which do not match with his african roots and temperament. ….No need to be an expert in the matter to conclude that this article is ¨**bullshit (excuse my french).
For those who say African women are not happy in their marriage but endure it, that’s a bunch of lies. we are taught how to make our marriages work. We have a different view of marriage and what it should be. We have cultures that are deeply tied in our marital morality. I bet there are many incestuous marriages in America because of the high divorce and bastard rates, which is not acceptable. We have longer lasting marriages because we value marriage, and family. And we love truly not just for a while. Finally, we respect vows, “for better, for worse”.
Most African women are realistic enough to know that what is good for the goose is not necessarily good enough for the gander. The European and American ladies consider divorce to be fashionable and the average American woman is already married twice by the time she is 35 and thrice by the time she is 40. Most of them are not realistic and want to marry ‘machines’.
In contrast African women realize they are marrying human beings most of the time and forgive easily when their men transgressed. African women are aldo not too critical of polygamy. While it is practised openly in Africa regardless of level of education and religion, it is practised covertly in America and Europe by changing women like new cars every three years.
I take offense to that so your saying American women/men are not taught to honor their marriages and vows. It’s the human nature to mess up just as it yours in Africa. There is a limit. We appreciate marriage just as you guys. So it’s ok to cheat and abuse your wife.
ha …. a nigeria guy say african men love respect their women,so divorce rate low …. but guess every situation different ….
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